Dear Reader,

If you are the sort of person who prefers tales of cheerful orphans frolicking in meadows, or stories where everything ends with cake and laughter, then I must urge you—nay, implore you—to put this book down immediately and select something far more pleasant from the shelf. Perhaps a volume about fluffy bunnies or sunny picnics. Anything, really, but this.

My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my unfortunate duty to chronicle the woeful saga of the Baudelaire orphans: Violet, the inventive elder sister; Klaus, the bookish middle child; and little Sunny, whose peculiar talents involve biting things with remarkable enthusiasm. These three clever youngsters suffer a most calamitous beginning when a terrible fire claims their parents and their home, leaving them at the mercy of distant relatives, scheming villains, and an endless parade of misfortunes.

What follows is a sequence of thirteen books filled with disguises, deplorable guardians, secret organizations, treacherous traps, and very little in the way of happy endings. The villainous Count Olaf lurks throughout, ever eager to snatch the children’s vast fortune, while the Baudelaires must rely on their wits, inventions, research, and sharp teeth to escape one dire predicament after another.

Should you choose to proceed, be warned: these pages contain misery, woe, and a great many words you may need to look up (such as “deplorable,” which means wretched, or “predicament,” which means an unpleasant situation from which escape seems unlikely). I have dedicated my life to researching this sorry history, and I advise you to turn away before it is too late.

But if, despite all warnings, you insist on reading about three resourceful children facing one misfortune after another… well, then you have been warned.

No further spoilers shall be provided here, only the promise of gloom, cleverness, and the occasional moment of grim amusement. Proceed at your own peril